Author John David Anderson is here today at Adventures of Cecelia Bedelia with a guest post on the top ten lamest superpowers. His middle grade superhero book Sidekicked was released in hardcover by Walden Pond Press on June 25, 2013. Check out the end of the post to win a *signed* copy!
Ten Lame Superpowers
and Why You May Just Be Better Off with a Good Utility Belt
Drew Bean, the earnest and often out-of-his-league
protagonist of Sidekicked is both burdened and blessed by his extraordinary
senses. While an excellent supplementary power, this is pretty much Drew's only
power, and he spends no small amount of time lamenting on the lameness of being
able to smell, see, and hear evil coming and being incapable of stopping it. In
honor of Drew, I've made a list of superpowers which, in certain contexts,
could be even lamer than his.
Disclaimer: These
aren't the ten worst super powers or necessarily even powers held by actual
heroes. Naturally there are powers that
are entirely undesirable (the ability to turn oneself into a diaper) or
ludicrous (the power to vanish into thin air...once), so the following is
simply a list of powers, imagined or real (which is to say, imagined by someone
else), that wouldn't necessarily make a superman super and might leave you in
worse shape than if you'd had them to begin with.
10. External
combustion (i.e., flaming on): A staple of superpowers, the ability to
surround oneself in an aura of flame makes for outstanding cover art and
dramatic action sequences replete with smoke-filled skies. One must consider
the drawbacks, however, namely the flammability of objects around you (just
imagine battling in a paper mill...or a gas station) and the need for specially
tailored fire-retardant underwear, which can't be cheap.
9. Talking to animals:
First we should make a distinction. The ability to simply talk to animals does
not grant you dominion over them. I can talk to my children, but I am often
powerless to get them to obey even the most simple of commands (i.e. please
stop sucking Jell-O through your straw). Therefore, while the ability to control
animals would be awesome, simply being able to talk to them would probably be
boring as conversations would run from "Can I eat you?" to
"Please don't step on me!" to "Where did I put my nuts?"
8. X-ray vision:
Granted superspies the world over would relish in such a gift, and it might
bring down the astronomical costs of an ER visit for your kid's baseball
injury, but there is a reason we have fences, walls, clothes, and skin. There
are lots of things you just don't want to see. Like what's going on inside my
stomach right now, and what most people really look like in the morning.
7. Rock form:
While there are certainly stalwart heroes that are either primarily made of
some rocklike substance or are capable of creating an exoskeleton of them, the
ability to transform oneself completely into a rock leaves a little to be
desired. While useful when battling hordes at the top of a hill, the lack of
appendages, not to mention the lack of eyes, ears, mouth, nose, muscle, bone,
weapons, and unassisted movement means you are probably just going to get stuck
at the bottom of that hill after rolling down it.
6. Atomic farts:
Literally the ability to create near nuclear explosions by means of one's flatulence.
Naturally the hero with this power would concurrently be blessed with an
invulnerable digestive tract as an added bonus. However the costs associated
with the power, both in terms of ancillary property damage and potential loss
of life (can you control your flatulence's reach and direction?), plus the
heroes constant need for extra tights, far outweighs this power's utility. Plus
it makes for awkward dates.
5. Self-replication:
Imagine if there were only two of you. Or twelve. Fantastic. Except I
personally have a hard enough time keeping track of me. Ever seen the movie Multiplicity
with Michael Keaton? Me neither. But I'm guessing having multiple copies of
yourself out there only leads to trouble or they wouldn't have made a movie out
of it.
4. Magnetism:
This is different from the ability to manipulate magnetic fields (ala Magneto).
This is simply the ability to turn oneself into a giant magnet. Awesome when
you can't quite reach your spoon at the dinner table, less so when the steak
knife comes flying at you too. Really awkward when the family minivan comes
crashing through the garage wall towards you giving a wide opening for all your
power tools to head your way as well. Definitely a power you will want to learn
to control quickly.
3. Sonic scream:
Yes, I know it has its uses, but as a father I've come to realize the true
agonizing power that high-pitched wailing can have on a person, and it is not
something I would inflict on my worst enemy.
2. Liquefication:
Yes, the ability to liquefy oneself is incredibly useful when a supervillain is
about to blast you with an anti-matter ray and you happen to be standing over a
sewer drain; however, turning oneself into a puddle has numerous drawbacks,
including the "ewww!" factor, the potential for bystander accidents
(slippery when wet), and the fact that janitors everywhere are suddenly your
mortal enemies. "Mop-Hands Hannigan! I should have known it was you!"
1. Anatomical
Liberation: I'm not making this up (see Arm-Fall-Off Boy, an
honest-to-goodness hero in the D.C. pantheon): This is the ability to sever a
part of your own body and use it independently of the rest of you (like having
just your hand scuttle through a tiny opening to retrieve a secret document). However,
this power does not automatically come with regeneration, so you have to find
said limb in order to get it back, and it's possible that said body part may
decide to split permanently, taking on a life of its own. Not to mention there
are actually few body parts I would trust to just go off and fight crime
without me.
Thanks for sharing your top ten list, John! If you'd like to share your own lame superpower ideas or just want to find out more about
Sidekicked, you can visit the author at
www.johndavidanderson.org or on Facebook at
JohnDavidAndersonAuthor.
You're interested in checking out the rest of the
Sidekicked Superhero blog tour stops (they have giveaways!), right? Good!
Oh, and that giveaway I mentioned! The kind folks at Walden Pond Press are providing one
signed copy of
Sidekicked for a lucky blog reader. To enter, simply fill out the
FORM. Giveaway open to US addresses only, will end on July 27 at 11:59pm EST. Winner will be selected randomly and notified via email. And I'll just tell you now,
you can earn an extra entry by commenting on this post with a lame superpower. Pick one of Mr. Anderson's or make up one of your own!
With not nearly enough power comes way too much responsibility.
Andrew Bean might be a part of H.E.R.O., a secret organization for the training of superhero sidekicks, but that doesn’t mean that life is all leaping tall buildings in single bounds. First, there’s Drew’s power: Possessed of super senses – his hearing, sight, taste, touch, and smell are the most powerful on the planet – he’s literally the most sensitive kid in school. There’s his superhero mentor, a former legend who now spends more time straddling barstools than he does fighting crime. And then there’s his best friend, Jenna – their friendship would be complicated enough if she weren’t able to throw a Volkswagen the length of a city block. Add in trying to keep his sidekick life a secret from everyone, including his parents, and the truth is clear: Middle school is a drag even with superpowers.
But this was all before a supervillain long thought dead returned to Justicia, superheroes began disappearing at an alarming rate, and Drew’s two identities threatened to crash head-on into each other. Drew has always found it pretty easy to separate right from wrong, good from evil. It’s what a superhero does. But what happens when that line starts to break down?
Fine print: Blog tour and giveaway organized by Walden Pond Press. I did not receive any compensation for this post.
